… And Then Cancer Moves Up On My List Of Health Concerns (and why I’m ok with it)

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Two years ago I figured out that a severe gluten intolerance was the culprit of my ill health (as a side note, I’m still awaiting determination if it’s Celiac Disease). By strictly modifying my diet, my ill health improved drastically.

Just over a year ago I suffered a mental breakdown and began treatment for clinical depression. Again, huge results in my mental and physical health after I started on a low dose anti-depressant.

Now, Cancer is on the forefront of my list of health concerns that I need to keep an eye out for. Warning: This is a bit of a long story.

Remember the kids’ story “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day“? The particular day in question wasn’t quite as bad as that … but it was the start of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

I woke up the last Monday of March and it was just one of those days. It was one of those days where I just feel like all I want to do is sit down and cry and there was absolutely nothing that I could think of that had set it off. Once upon a time it was a regular occurrence. Now, it only happens from time to time. I’m not sure what exactly it is that spurs it on … it could be that my anti-depressants were taken too close together or too far apart. Perhaps it was related to my monthly cycle. Who knows what triggered it. I just knew that if I got up and carried on that it would likely pass at some point throughout the day and if not, my mood/state would be reset the following day after waking up after a long nights sleep.

Later on that day I had a message from my mom saying that my dad had went for an ultrasound and something had shown up. The next day, he returned for a CT scan and the results indicated that most likely one of the polyps in his stomach had turned cancerous.

This was not 100% entirely unexpected. My father has a condition called Attenuated Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (AFAP). If left untreated, growths (called polyps) can form in the colon and turn cancerous over time. A regular colonoscopy can check for these growths and if present, they can be removed at that time. My father had his first polyp show up at the age of 40. By the time that he had turned 50 the number had multiplied so rapidly that there were hundreds of polyps in his large intestine – too many to “burn off”. As a preventative measure, he had all but a few inches of his large intestine removed. The following year polyps began forming in his stomach. And similarly, they multiplied to the hundreds. At first there were talks about removing his entire stomach, connecting his esophagus to his small intestine, a process referred to as a gastrectomy . But it would be such a huge impact to his body considering that there was only a few inches left to his large intestine, and in his particular case they expected him to be on a liquid diet and probably have to use a feeding tube. They decided to monitor at 6 month intervals with the intent that they would be able to do the surgery the minute (figuratively, that is) that the polyps started to turn. He was due to go back in a few weeks for his 6 month “inspection” but over the Fall he wasn’t feeling well, having a lot of pain, and that past week he was starting to get nauseated, in addition to the other new symptoms that he was experiencing. That’s when they put him on the fast track for the ultrasound and CT scan.

I ended up calling in to work that Wednesday and said that I wouldn’t be in. I had a lot to process.

My first thoughts were just getting him through his surgery and treatments. Then I started to think about what was to come next. I thought about how his life would be affected by no longer having a stomach (I suspect I inherited my ‘foodie’ personality from him). And then it occurred to me that if I ever do get my restaurant idea off of the ground, that my dad would not be able to enjoy the food that is prepared there. And it made me sad. My dad has always been super proud of my accomplishments and I would hate for him not to experience it in its entirety.

And then my thoughts started to shift from my dad … to my eventual fate.

I, like my dad, am gene positive for AFAP. I’ve known that I’ve had the condition since I was little, due to genetic testing. Screening for polyps started for me while I was still in high school. My dad didn’t get his first polyp until he was 40. By age 50, he had the majority of his large intestine removed. I had my first polyp at age 26. The next year I had my first polyp in my stomach. So I worry, if it progresses at the same rate as my father, will I be looking at the removal of my large intestine by age 36? Or, like with his stomach, could the polyps in my stomach multiple so quickly that I have to deal with cancer and/or have my stomach removed before I hit 40? It was a lot to take in.

Then I started to wonder “What if I get cancer and/or have my stomach removed? What happens to my restaurant dream then??”

This blog has been a component of that dream and I’ve been having so much fun doing it. My blog and dream restaurant is my passion right now. It’s what drives me.

It’s funny. That Monday morning when I woke (before any light had been shed on the extent of the worsening of my dad’s health), I had read an interesting post on Offbeat Home, “I caught that dream that I was chasing. Now what?“. I could relate to the post because: 1) the writer deals with “Imposter Syndrome” and 2) I’ve also been wondering that exact same question. Despite waking up that morning feeling bad from the start, this post was just what I needed to make my bad day feel a little brighter. I felt encouraged that morning to continue after my dream.

Despite reading that post and feeling better about my bad day, after receiving the news of my father’s predicament, it fast-tracked my future-fears of battling cancer myself. In addition to that, I started to worry about what would happen if I had to have my stomach removed. Would I even want to continue to develop this blog and/or my restaurant dream if I were unable to partake in the pleasures of food? Or, if I did achieve my dream restaurant, would I come to resent it??

Then I started to wonder “What if I can no longer enjoy food? Will I become a social hermit?”

I thought about how we love to entertain and its always based on food. True to Newfoundlander form, we’ve always been known for our “kitchen parties”. For this reason, our new home is being designed with our kitchen as our focal point of the house. It’s where we will spend the majority of our time. What if I start to despise those kitchen parties because I would feel out of place because I can’t enjoy dining with my friends?

My not-so-final thought: “Should I give up on my dream?”

This was a lot to digest for one day. I felt lost and I felt like I should give up on my dream rather than face the possibility of my dreams eventually being crushed. I had an overwhelming feeling of “what’s even the point?“.

Then I received an email response to a previous request to do a guest post on my blog. They said that they wanted to do a post on Celiac Disease and Depression, and that they had found my blog by doing a Google search. I think it was what I needed to snap me back out of the funk that I had found myself in. I started this blog as a means to help others through sharing my experiences. By labelling my blog “Food Allergies Etcetera”, the etcetera portion has allowed me to delve into the topic of mental health. And I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback from people who have read my posts related to mental illness because they could truly identify with what I had experienced, and they found that they now had someone else who knew what they were personally experiencing. So what, if at some point I may not be able to enjoy food and share in foodie experiences. Perhaps this blog will morph into something else that is useful to others … perhaps it will serve as a connection point for others with AFAP/FAP, or perhaps it will be a vessel to share my future story of cancer prevention and/or survival.

On the first Friday of April (funny how April just happens to be cancer awareness month), my dad received confirmation that, since his last 6 month inspection, he had cancer in his stomach. His GI surgeon advised that he would not be doing  the gastrectomy at this time and that chemo was the better treatment option. A referral was made to see an oncologist, to discuss chemo. Things have moved very fast and it’s already been just under three weeks since he started treatment and he is doing well with it. Other than being fatigued, he’s not felt sick, has no pain, has stopped losing weight, has regained his appetite and is able to enjoy food just as he always has. And best of all, he still has a full head of thick hair that any 58 year old would be envious of 😉. Hopefully this is an indication of the effectiveness of the treatment!

It’s been a month since that horrible, no good, very bad day … but since then, I’ve stumbled across this article about a young woman in her 20s who decided to have a gastrectomy, and it was quite positive. I also found the No Stomach For Cancer website which has a lot of valuable information, including this overview of a Gastrectomy (You’ll find a lot of useful info related to life during and after a gastrectomy. Just hover over “Gastric Cancer” at the top menu, then hover over “Life Without a Stomach” and you’ll find 4 subpages). In addition to this, I was connected with someone (who I’ll be meeting in the coming weeks) who also decided to have a gastrectomy because she knew that stomach cancer was imminent (due to genetic markers) and she claims that the surgery saved her life (in addition to many other of members of her family). I think she will be a huge resource should I ever decide to go that route in the future. As a result, I’m starting to feel that although having a future Gastrectomy would be life altering, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

My final thought: “You know what? … this situation isn’t as bad as it sounds”

I know the information that I’ve laid out in this post is a bit much to take in … and it sounds like a sad story. But I’m not letting it manifest that way for me. I know our family can beat this. I had a bit of an epiphany moment and its really helped me to deal with the whole situation:

Everyone has their expiry dates. If my eventual fate was to be hit by a bus and killed in a months time, I’d have no idea … And would go on living as if I had years to accomplish what I want to accomplish in life, only to be cut short of those accomplishments. Now I get to live as though I don’t have all the time in the world, it will motivate me to be healthier, appreciate life more and make the best of it.

I wouldn’t come out and be as cocky to say “bring it on!” to cancer … but if it happens to me I’ll be ready for it. I live a relatively healthy life, and am consciously aware of my physical and mental states. I’ve learned over the years that I need to listen to my mental and physical needs. If something seems to be wrong, I’ll immediately arrange to have it checked out. Perhaps in the years to come I’ll be pro-active and have a partial or full gastrectomy, if it looks like it will reduce my risk of developing cancer. I’m upbeat and positive and have an amazingly huge support network in my life, including a fantastic local-gone-national Non-Profit Organization called Young Adult Cancer Canada. I’ve been supporting this group since I’ve discovered it in 2009 and take comfort in knowing the fantastic support that they give to young adults dealing with cancer. I’m not in despair by the recent series of events … I am motivated and I am ready for whatever life has to dish out to me! 🙂

Have you, or someone close to you, had a gastrectomy, been affected by stomach/colorectal cancer, or are a cancer survivor? If so, care to share any advice?

Thanks for reading. As you may or may not have noticed, I recently took a short hiatus from blogging. I have a feeling that for the time being I might continue with this break or at least not blog as actively … although there is potential for some guest posts to pop up from time to time.

Also, positive thoughts are appreciated for our family at this time.

xo

Krista

Having suffered through depression, I’ve been guilty of more than one of these Cognitive Distortions.

Amanda, from Celiac and Allergy Adventures has done a great job of making the connection between Cognitive Distortions, Celiac Disease, Food Allergies and Eczema! Check out the whole article on her blog 🙂

Bell Aliant breaks a Guinness World Records™ Title for Mental Health

You may have seen my post for Bell’s Let’s Talk Day where I shared my story on how I’ve struggled with and am overcoming my clinical depression. If not, I invite you to read it, or learn about what Bell Let’s Talk Day is all about by visiting the official website: http://letstalk.bell.ca.

Thanks to all my friends and family who texted, tweeted, Facebook shared or made long distance calls that day to help shrink the mental stigma while raising money for mental health initiatives in Canada. You guys are AWESOME!!! x1000 🙂

Bell Let's Talk Day 2013 Results http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/

Bell Let’s Talk Day 2013 Results http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/

Bell Let’s Talk Day: Shrinking The Mental Illness Stigma

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It’s February 12. Let’s talk.

Today, Bell will donate 5¢ more to mental health initiatives across Canada for every:

  1. Text message sent*
  2. Long distance call made*
  3. Tweet using #BellLetsTalk
  4. Facebook share of the Bell Let’s Talk image

* By a Bell or Bell Aliant customer.

So how exactly did Bell’s Let’s Talk Day come about? It was an initiative that was started in 2010 when the company announced that it would be contributing $50 million over the next 5 years to support mental health initiatives in Canada. There are four areas of focus for this initiative and include:

  1. workplace mental health
  2. research
  3. community care and access
  4. anti-stigma

Recognizing that simply talking makes a significant impact in breaking down the barriers to mental health, the campaign encourages people to “start the conversation” about mental health and engage in dialogue with friends, family and co-workers.

Last year during Bell’s Let’s Talk Day, I was just getting ready to return to work after a 2 month sick leave period for depression. I thought that the campaign was a great way to just let it all loose, and announce to friends and family (who weren’t in the loop) why exactly I was on leave. I decided to make a post on my Facebook Page and link it to the Let’s Talk Campaign website. I shared my story about my battle with depression and was very open and honnest about it. Many people later commented to me saying how brave I was to just put it all out there on Facebook … for everyone to see.

To me, it didn’t seem like an act of bravery. In fact, it seemed to be quite the opposite in my head. I had been so secretive of my battle with the disease for so long that I was tired of keeping it a secret anymore. To announce it to everyone, was like a release. It was a weight that I no longer had to carry. Energy that would no longer be lost.

I know what it feels like to be depressed. I once heard the expression “Depression Lies” … and I couldn’t agree more. I’ve had several battles with depression throughout my life and each time I was in denial of how big the situation really was. I wasn’t ready to accept it. I wasn’t ready to deal with it. … So I tried to suppress it as much as I could in an attempt to hide it from family and friends. In high school my depression convinced me that I didn’t fit in, that everyone was laughing at me behind my back and that I couldn’t trust anyone. It was this paranoia that convinced me that I wasn’t, nor ever would be, accepted. I felt so lonely during those years …. and in hindsight, I only had my depression to blame. If I had the courage back then to work through my paranoias, perhaps I’d have a happier outlook on those years.

In University, these negative thoughts started to go away as I met new friends through my degree. It was like a fresh start. But this only lasted a few years before the negative self talk and paranoia started to bubble up again. But this time, my depression started to lie to me in different ways. It realized that telling me that I would never fit in was no longer applicable as I had clearly integrated myself into a tight-knit social circle as I went through my degree. This time my depression was more clever. It started attacking me with the idea that I was no longer an intelligent person. These paranoias started getting worse over time and soon it started to affect my study habits and my grades. By the end of my degree I was an emotional wreck on the inside and was regularly breaking down behind shut doors. I was so careful to keep this battle a secret that none of my closest friends had any idea. Nor did my family. It was a heavy burden to carry.

When I started my full time job following graduation, I was convinced that I obviously must have just “lucked” into my position. I was convinced that people were talking about me behind my back. I was convinced that the water-cooler conversations were about how everything that I was doing was wrong and how worthless my work was. I was so paranoid, in fact, that there were certain co-workers who I would actively avoid passing in the corridor because just the mere sight of them would switch on, with full force, the negative self-talk that I just wished would go away. If this meant taking the long way to get to the meeting room to do it, or prolonging going to their floor until I knew they were in the middle of a meeting, that’s what I would do.

This paranoia was getting so much worse that I started to notice a trend of mini-meltdowns that would begin in the Fall and end around the end of January. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve locked myself in my office, and just cried from merely being overwhelmed by all the negative emotion. And the worst part was that my employer had only good things to say about my work. Never had anyone complained about my work and many saw me as a great resource to our team. But my depression wouldn’t let me hear this. My depression would filter this information and irrationally convince me that my superiors were just being polite.

So I can totally agree with the statement: depression lies.

Eventually, I had the biggest meltdown of all time and as a result, I gave in as I accepted that my doctor was writing me off of work for an extended period. You can read about the particular events that finally pushed me over the edge and inevitably led to my big breakdown in my post entitled “How Our Wedding Indirectly Inspired Food Allergies Etcetera“, as well as the actual positives that I took away from the whole experience.

I am sharing my story in hopes that people understand that depression does lie, and to reassure that it feels fantastic to let go of all the heaviness. I hope that if you are going through something even remotely similar that you can find someone to talk about it with. A family member, a friend, or simply an acquaintance. The biggest thing that I realized when I accepted and started opening up about my depression is that everyone can relate. Nearly everyone who I’ve spoken with has mentioned some point in their lives that they’ve had a bout of depression …. some to the point where it required medication. In other cases, they’ve mentioned that they have had a close family member or friend battle it. But you’ll never find those connections if you don’t talk. 

So what are you waiting for, Canada? Let’s talk and shrink the stigma associated with mental illness! 😀

xo

Krista